What if your penis fell off?

So....I just got home from a weekend downtown with Rick, Michelley Welly and her boyfriend, Michael....it was our birthday gift to Michelle to send her to a dance convention that was going on at the Marriott and we went along as her chaperones. Can I say right now how much I heart Michelley??? Ahh...we love to be stupid together....and it's way too much fun acting HER age again. ha ha Usually with us, it's all "Borat" quotes, retarded dance moves, gang signs and deep conversation. HA...check out this deep conversation we had while lying in our hotel room last night as the boys fetched dinner.

Let me preface the rest of this by saying that with us, one stupid comment tends to lead to random thoughts and a cavalcade of more stupid comments. he he As I said, we were there for a dance convention, and on the door of the room next to ours, there was a big poster decorated with confetti and shit that said something like "Go Tiffani!" Weird...so, every time Rick walked in or out of the room, he would scream "Yah....GO Tiffani!!!" So, Michelle and I were talking about how funny it would be to leave a note on Tiffani's door that said, "We love you Tiffani, signed room 2316." (I know...we're like 12 or something, right? ha ha) And then I said it would be too funny if Tiffani only saw Rick walking in and out of our room, 'cause then she'd be creeped out since I'm sure Tiffani was, judging from her sign, under 16. ha ha Then Michelle says,

"Then it should say 'Tiffani, you rock my socks off!!'...or 'Tiffani, you rock my cock off!' "

....and she proceeds into a fit of giggles, which I joined in on.

Now...she's laughing so hard she can barely speak, and she's forgotten Tiffani and moved onto the image she just gave herself.

"Oh my god...wouldn't it be hilarious if penis' fell off???!!"

More giggles....

"Like really...you're having a conversation with a guy and all of the sudden you notice he drops something from his shorts and you're like 'Oh, you dropped something, let me get it for you' and then you grab it and it's his penis!!"

Ok....we're in hysterics now because she thinks this image is so damn funny, and I'm laughing because not only is it funny to me, but now I have to tell her a story about this....a true story a co worker shared with me about penis' coming off.

So, in between laughter, I say,

"Wait....I have to tell you a story about this! I work with a girl whose mom told her that if you have sex too early, a boys penis falls off!"

More giggles....

"Seriously...I was like 'What, did she tell you that we were like human guillotines or something?' and she said no, that her mom had just told her they would fall off...like a lizard tail or something."

I think Michelle is weeping with laughter now.

"AND....her mom had proof to back it up. Apparently she had an uncle with a couple of kids in there 20's and then a son that was like 5. So, she explained to her that her uncle had sex to her early and his penis fell off, and so he had to wait for it to grow back before he could have his little boy...thus the age gap. So, until she was a teenager, she thought penis' really fell off!"

I think Michelle just wet the bed.

So, the rest of the weekend, the boys had to endure our comments about them making sure they didn't lose their penis'. HA HA...we're retarded....we're well aware.

Please get educated on product diversion

Nothing funny this time....this is serious, and I can't stress enough how much this problem of diversion effects the beauty industry every year!

PLEASE PLEASE take a few minutes out of your time and educate yourselves with this video on product diversion. I know you, as consumers, don't know what that all entails....but you need to be educated about how YOU are getting ripped of by supporting this problem....and how YOU as the consumer are exposing yourselves to contamination! Please, listen to your salon professional and know that WE are the only people, as professionals, that can "prescribe" the proper course of action and professional care for your personal needs.

It's so easy

Do you ever call people on their stupid slip ups to make yourself feel smart? I do....ALL the time. Well...correction....I don't do it to make myself feel smart. I do it 'cause it's hilarious to me when someone says something that sounds really dumb, uneducated and/or ignorant....and me feeling smart is just a byproduct of their actions. And who better to pick on than Rick. Ahh...but he makes it so easy for me. he he

Last night we were discussing "money crap" which I hate doing because he gets stressed out and I'm laid back about it. I learned a long time ago that your poorness level directly correlates to your money stress level. HA...I bet you're thinking "Well, of course if you're poor, you'll be stressed...dumbass!" But that's not what I mean....I mean that the more you stress about how much money you don't have, the less money you will have. Seriously.....

For example.....I used to freak out all the time about how broke I was. I'd stress myself out about how I couldn't pay a bill or whatever. Then one day, a friend of mine said (and I know you are gonna laugh and think this is hokey, but pay attention) "I want you to meditate....and picture yourself as a beacon of light that money is attracted to. Then I want you to tell yourself 'money comes to me peacefully, freely and easily'." So, I did this.....and the next day, no joke, my phone was ringing off the hook at the salon with clients. So, I give it up to the universe....it takes care of me and I always find a way to make it work out....Quantum Physics is my bitch. But, I digress....

Rick has only recently been made to be responsible for bill paying (8 months under his belt), where as I have been doing this shit since I was 17. I tried explaining that to him last night when he started flipping out about paying things off. And oh, the funny things that come out of his mouth when he's trying to be serious. Our conversation went something like this:

"You don't understand....I'm trying to figure out how to pay the house bills and medical bills and I don't think there's enough money for the minimum payments."

"Well, Rick, that's easy....you call the doctor's offices and you say 'I'm sorry, but I can't afford to send you $30 every month right now, but what I can currently afford to send you is $15.' And do you know why you can do that? Because they can't report you for non payment because you are still making an attempt to pay."

"What if they tell me no?"

"They can't refuse payment. Those bills are negotiable. Why are you stressing over this? Be aggressive?"

"You don't understand what this is like!"

"Oh really? Rick, how long have you been responsible for paying your own bills?

"Uh, I don't know....I guess a year?"

"No, since we moved into this place. That was in May. How many months is that?" (See...here comes the good parts)

"Uh....6 months." he he

"6 months? Are you sure about that? Count again math whiz."

"Ok, uh....oh 8 months. Shut up I'm tired." ("shut up I'm tired" is one of the excuses I hear a lot around here during one of these mental lapses he has.)

"Alright....8 months of experience in money management. Now how old am I Rick?"

"30"

"Uh huh, and when did I move out on my own?"

"I know...when you were 17."

"So, tell me Rick, how many years of experience with this do I have?" (HA...I'm messing with him now, 'cause he's gonna say something dumb and I'm gonna tease him and laugh and then he's gonna stop being such a dick about money. Don't hate...I'm not being mean...I'm ridding my evening of his pouting.)

"Uh....12 years." HA

"Really? Are you sure college boy?"

"Uh...ok 13 years. Shut up...I'm tired." (see...excuses)

"So, 8 months versus 13 years. Who knows what they are talking about?"

"Yes okay, I see what you mean. It's just so stressful."

"That's because you stress about it. I've told you before...the more you stress about everything, the less money we will have. Do you know why YOU are handling the bills right now instead of me? Because you were the one that needed this lesson. So, now you see what it's like to try and balance all the bills. But, as long as both of us put in all the effort we can to bring in as much as we can, then we'll make it work."

"But I hate working over time sometimes.....even though we need the money."

"And I hate both of my jobs sometimes...but I still do what I can, 'cause we need the money...even if my paychecks only equal half of what you bring in, it doesn't matter 'cause I'm still trying."

"Half?! Pfft...try 2/4."

Ahhh....he makes it so easy for me some times. :)

Wedding? What wedding?

Someone once told me that you marry the person who's faults you can live with. SO unbelievably true.....too many people think that Mr. Right=Mr. Perfect, and HA...that is NOT the case. In the end, they all piss us off at some point....maybe it's something with their hygiene, or table manners.....or maybe it's their inability to kick their shoes off somewhere OTHER than the middle of the floor where I always manage to kick my pinky toe on them!! (clears throat) But we either move on and get rid of what's become Mr. Wrong, or marry what becomes our version of Mr. Perfect.

Rick and I have been planning on getting married for quite some time. We've postponed our "date setting" three times now, and finally settled, several months ago, on April 4th (my God....it's really only 3 months away??).

Can I say that I'm so over hearing people ask me details (what details?), and about the dress (non-existent), and about the colors (pink and green?), and blah blah blah!!! Honestly....why must we focus SOOO much on spending an ass load of money so that everyone else can be in awe (or so you think) of you?? I look at the small details people put into their events and just see money wasted...kindling to stoke a fire out of control. What are you ladies compensating for?

I'm NOT cheap.....BELIEVE me when I say if I want something, I will spend money on it, and I don't care what it costs. If me likey...me will havey...much to Rick's dismay. he he. This wedding, to me, is more about getting together with family and friends and having a good time. It's a chance to show people that we are committed to each other....even though some days I wanna bang my head against a padded wall! ha ha

I hate planning, and what little bit we've had to do seems like one failed attempt after another. So, who knows what we will end up with. But it doesn't matter. At this point in time, who knows.....we may just end up getting married at the courthouse and then having our receptions after. Yes, I said receptions....because we grew up thousands of miles apart, we decided that we would have two events. We are getting married in Southern California and having a reception there and then a 2nd reception in Chicago so that everyone can celebrate with us without travel limitations. Both sides won't really be celebrating together....but that could be a good thing. :)

However....remember how I said I hate planning? Well, now I have to plan TWO events, and I wish I could just throw it on someone and say "Here's the day, here's your minuscule budget, I'm thinking pink and green....and yea, I'll see you on the 4th!" ha ha.....I'm laughing 'cause I really wish it was that simple.....seriously...I'm not joking.

So, here we are, down to the final few months and nothings really done....other than my future mother-in-law threw us a wedding shower. I finished all the Thank You notes weeks ago and "Mr. Perfect" was supposed to lick them, stamp them and put them in the mail.....so if you haven't gotten yours yet, it's because they're still sitting on my dining room table waiting for him to do his 50%. Ahh....see why I love him? :)

Soundtrack To Your Life

Well...this is a fun little exercise....let's see what we get shall we?

Put your music player on Shuffle...the first song goes in the first spot below. As you advance to the next song that comes up, place it in the next spot on the list and so on. NO skipping songs....

Opening Credits: "Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf (Interesting....I always tell people I'm a Rockstar too!! )

Waking Up: "Everybody in the House" Fatboy Slim (Seriously now...everybody IS always in my damn house when i wake up! Sometimes I swear we are a boarding house!!)

Normal Day: "Sexify my love" NKOTB...(LMAO why do I have this?)

First Date: "Poison" Groove Coverage (Ahh....how true. I think I've said before that I hate dating)

First Love: "Razorblade" Blue October ( There is a lyric in there that says "it is you I set my standards to"....hmmm )

Falling In Love: "Please Do Not Go" Violent Femmes( He he....typical )

Breaking Down: "From the Inside" Linkin Park (Hmmm)

Lazy Day: "Time is running out" Muse (yup...I'm a procrastinator)

Boredom: "Hazy shade of winter" Paradigm (Oh man...does that shit ever bore me!)

Pissed Off: "Scream" Tokio Hotel (Scream it out loud...lol)

Depressed: "Head on a plate" Bayside (yea, that would depress me. lol)

Breaking Up: "Pimpin' all over the world" Ludacris feat. Bobby Valentino (LMAO yea...I guess that would be the next step post break up)

Getting Back Together: "Watch Out" Atmosphere (Hellz yea you better watch it! I bet there's a reason you broke up!)

Can't Fall Asleep: "La Tortura" Shakira (Ah..yes, it's torture when I can't sleep!)

Stressed: "Big Girls Don't Cry" Fergie (Yup....put your big girl panties on and get the fuck over it)

Flash Back: "Don't Give up the fight" Kaiser Chiefs (ok...the music sounds a little retro, so maybe lol)

Lost in Thought: "I Must be dreaming" Evanescence (lol yup)

Fight Scene: "Knife Blood Nightmare" Aiden (Wow...I guess I'm hardcore....you'll be lying dead from stab wounds to the neck and chest again!)


Getting Drunk: "Fried My Little Brains" The Kills ( lol hysterical!)

Funeral: "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" Death Cab For Cutie( Okay, eerie how super fitting this song is...love of mine, someday you will die, and I'll be close behind and follow you into the dark.... )

Having Fun: "Pour Me Another" Atmosphere (lol yEA)

Content: "Daylight" Coldplay (alrighty...)

Death Scene: "Gone" Jack Johnson ( Gone, going gone)

End Credits: "Suck My Dick" Lil' Kim (Wow.....well, that would be a statement...them bitches know better than to start shit. lol)

White shit

So...everyone that knows me knows how much I truly hate living in snow. I wouldn't mind visiting some snow for Christmas.

Well that sounds weird...like I'm gonna go to the Snow house and hang out for the holidays while Mrs. Snow bakes cookies and a holiday ham. Pftshhh, ya.

I mean I think if I had money, I'd live somewhere warm all year...but visit places like Chicago or my mom's house in Northwest Montana for Christmas. I've tried spending my holidays in Southern California after swearing off another year of the white crap....but it just didn't feel right to be decorating the tree in 75 degree weather.

I lived in Montana during my High School years and then again for a few years before moving to Chicago....and I hated getting up every morning, extra early, to clean off my car and warm it up, wasting gas, freezing my ass of and losing precious sleepy time (which I love so dearly!!). My mom had a remote car starter installed in her car a few years ago, and I think she secretly laughed at me when her car would "magically" warm up and defrost it self while I bundled up and scraped away at the piles of snow and ice built up on my car. And then the damn snow plow guy comes by and fucking buries me again! Thank you asshole!

I had a few different cars growing up, and every one, EXCEPT my current car, had a block warmer....I've yet to see anyone in Chicago with one of these, but they're very popular in the Northwest. My dad had my California relatives convinced for a while that all cars in Montana were electric because 99% of cars have an electrical plug hanging out of the grill (the block warmer). The idea is you plug your car into an outlet at night and it keeps everything just warm enough that it doesn't freeze up over night and you can actually start it in the morning. Seriously....I think we would save money if we didn't live places it snowed! Why are people forking over money to make mods to their cars to live in this??

So, now that I'm in Chicago, I've had my experiences with not only snow, but the damn ice storms....seriously....is anything worse then my car being turned into a giant un-drivable, impenetrable ice cube?? I don't have time for this shit.

I feel really bad for my brother....who sent me the photo in this blog. That's jerBear standing in my mom's front yard, ass deep in snow and about to climb up on the house to shovel the roof so it doesn't cave in from the weight of the FEET (yes that's plural) of snow piled up there. We've had a lot of snow here in Chicago this year, but nothing like that!

So, I'm going to hide out in my condo as much as possible, where we have "people" that shovel all that shit for us (don't hate....it's one of the raddest perks of living here....well, that and the pool) until this season is over and I can shout "Hooray" for Springtime!

Goodbye 2008

New Year's Eve....why do people throw down the big bucks to stand in a crowded bar with over priced drinks and bitchy people?

My fiance, Rick, and I couldn't decide this year what to do to ring in the New Year....but it certainly wasn't going to include $150 cover each! We ended up opting to go to the Horseshoe casino in Indiana. Why? Nothing better to do and we had a free ride...sounds like the making of an adventure! CTA (read: "buses and trains") was free to ride that night and there was a free shuttle to the casino, so we made plans to meet up with another couple and take the "El" to Chinatown and catch the casino shuttle from there....where we would meet up with our friends that were too cool to take the public transportation journey with us....stupids!

So, let me say.....I've been warned in the past to never go to Chinatown after dark with out a proper escort.....meaning someone who lives in the area....meaning someone of Asian persuasion. Yet, here's 4 white kids (I can still call myself a kid at 30 right?) planning to trek through Chinatown at 10pm.

We de-board the train....and I feel I must comment, out loud, how much Chinatown smells like a delicious Chinese restaurant. Wow....why was I not expecting that? Everyone laughs....and now I'm hearing from my friend's husband that he wants to go eat Chinese food! We just fucking ate dinner! But he tells me there's always room for Chinese. Ha...nice try.

Anywho....the shuttle people told us that the pick up was two blocks from the Red line station. But two blocks in what direction??? Luckily, we find a very nice man pulling out of a parking lot willing to give us directions to the cross streets we are looking for. Unfortunately, he points us towards the main gates into the heart of Chinatown. Eeek. But I am brave....and I can go in there.

So, we start walking...and all the while, I'm wondering how I got put at the back of the group... 'cause I'm waiting for a ninja attack and planning how to counter his stealthy moves. I guess I was distracted with all my ass kicking move planning, and I suddenly realize we've walked a lot more than 2 blocks. Why in the hell has no one else noticed this??? So, I say "We should turn around....it has to be the other direction". We tried to stop a cop and ask him....but I guess it was his dinner break cause he ignored us and sprinted for one of the million Chinese restaurants on this 4 block strip! Ass!

We start heading back....finally get directions from a nice lady on the street (wow...so far no ninjas) and now we're are all cussing out the asshole that sent us the wrong way....like he can hear us in his warm sports car. Oh....did I forget to mention it was hovering around ZERO degrees?? By this point, everyone's sniffling, I'm getting a blister on my heal, and none of us can feel our damn legs! Thank God we stopped in Walgreens earlier and I picked up a pair of $1 gloves that look like the skin of a fucking pink Muppet! Ah...but apparently, Muppet skin is quite warm, 'cause my fingers are the only thing NOT frozen at this point.

We finally find where we're supposed to be (and might I add that it was literally half a block from where we got our first directions!! Ass!!) and while we are waiting for the shuttle....I see him. My first Ninja of the night! But instead of all black, he's opted for a nice dark blue business suit under a standard khaki colored trench coat and matching hood cinched so tight it only left an eye slit. Okay...so maybe he wasn't a ninja....but he kinda looked ninja-esque. Or possibly he's a professional Luchador? Either way....he was scary, the way he kept pacing back and forth and staring through his little slit. I was waiting for the attack from Crouching Tiger....but it never came so I never had to put my moves on him.....lucky him.

The ride to the casino was uneventful....but because we weren't already "members", upon arrival we had to go through security, get carded and sign up for their rewards program so we could get back on the shuttle at the end of the night. Let me interject that I am NOT one of those women who hides her age from people because she's too vain to get old. I AM however one of those women who doesn't feel she's getting older, so my true age doesn't sound correct. I just entered my third decade of life, and it seems HIGHLY impossible that I have been alive that long. So, saying I'm 30 sounds wrong to me....and thankfully I look young for my age (I'm told 24), so I usually pick a number like 27 and stick to it.

The four of us get in line for security, and the guard waves Rick around...apparently he was the only one looking old enough to enter the premises! HA....do you know how good that makes me feel? Rick is 29 and knowing that he looks 5-10 years older than me gives me great delight! he he We get through all the crap and head for the High Stakes Blackjack room where we are to meet up with everyone else. It's 10:40, and they sat down to play at 10:05. In 35 minutes....the 5 of them had already dropped at least $500 each and were ready to head home. Dumb asses...who the hell plays that kinda money that fast? And then, I don't feel so bad for them 'cause I see an even bigger dumbass dropping $25K per hand! The country's economy is going to shit and you are betting more than what I'm now making in a year on ONE hand of Blackjack. Balls man....you have balls.

We play slots for a few hours, ring in an unenthusiastic New Year with thousands of unknown people trying to strike it rich and are back on the shuttle by 1:30AM. Wow...that was fun. Not.

We got back on the train, and headed 3 stops down for our transfer. All the while, my friend is looking at me eyes wide and was trying to signal to me to look at the guy sitting across from me. I couldn't figure out what the hell she was trying to get me to see. Finally, just before our stop, I think I have it figured out....it has to be his nicely polished and manicured nails (we both work in a salon, so we notice these things about you all). Our stop comes and she bolts for the door. So, I asked "What's the deal? Were you hinting I should look at his nails?" She said "Noo...he was staring at me, licking his lips. I thought he was gonna fucking rape me." LOL Okay....I had to laugh, 'cause I don't think she takes the El very often. It's full of crazies! :) But apparently, we narrowly escaped, un-raped. :)

To make our connection to the Blue line, we have to walk through a tunnel. Lovely....people have been partying it up and I step carefully over a party hat filled with someones vomit and almost trip over a sleeping bum while avoiding the screaming drunks that have now decided to start a chain of "high fives" through the tunnel. Ah...I love the city. :)

Our train arrives, and we hop on a nearly empty car with several people returning from their own night's adventures. In front of me, I see "drunk guy in a suit" with his poor date trying to get him home. Behind me, I have a group of loud Russians (? Well, don't we all assume someone with any Eastern European accent is Russian??). As the rough ride home begins, drunk guy stands up and tries to open the emergency door because he has to puke. Great! I'm not riding 20 something stops in a train that smells like regurgitated Martini's and Champagne! Luckily, his date gets him seated, and after a near puking experience, he lies down and passes out! Yay! He should be fun to wake up in a few stops! Which he was....it was quite entertaining seeing a girl in a mini skirt and high heals who weighs maybe a buck-o-five trying to haul drunk guy up onto his feet and off the train.

Then from behind me in a thick Russian(?) accent, a man screams at the top of his lungs "HOPP--EEE NEWWW YEARRR!! I wake you all up!!" Ok....avoid eye contact....avoid eye contact..... "I SAY.... HOPPP--EEEEEE NEWWW YEARRRRR!" I tried....now, I have to look. He's laughing, and catches my eyes on him and tries to have a conversation with me. "Hoppy New Year.....I like you gloves." I say "Thanks, I got them at Walgreens," and smile....trying to look away. He says "My wife...she tell me 'shut the fuck up'...so if I bug, you tell me shut the fuck up, ok?" I laughed again..... "What you do tonight? I go to party...no fun. You?" I told him we went to the casino...and that it was no fun as well. He asks where we are going to and I say Rosemont. He laughs and again shouts "HOPP---EEEE NEWW YEARRRR!" Then he looks at me and says "Ok....I see I bugging....I shut the fuck up." And we all laugh as we get off the train and head for our cars.

So, that was how I said goodbye to 2008. You never know what you'll get in Chicago....or on the El. :)

Just me

So, I guess it's time to pop the blogging cherry and just post this already. Why am I blogging? I don't know....I guess it's because something makes me laugh daily and I just HAVE to tell those side-splitting hysterics to someone. Maybe it's because I have a secret feeling that the people of the world need to know me and who I am and this blog can be my "15 minutes" to get the job done. lol Who knows....read my stories if you like....laugh at my life if you will. Just understand that I'm not writing anything to hurt your damn feelings.....'cause I don't know who the hell you are!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about work, clients and life in general. Yes, I'm going to relay stories that may be "guess you had to be there" moments. Yes I use words like sick, dope, fuck, shit and radtacular. But it's my life...my blog....my writing. Get over it.