Bees are stupid

So, I know it's officially Fall now, but it's just been in the last two weeks that we have suddenly started having bees fly around our porch. Back in February when we first bought this place and started our renovations, we had a horrible issue with them because there was a small hive near the front door. But, thanks to some professional grade pesticide, we managed to destroy it all and haven't had any more issues.....till now.

It's been pretty decent weather, finally. If you've never been to Riverside, it's on the edge of the desert, so it is usually well over 100 degrees daily in the summer. Now that we have passed the Fall Equinox, the weather has decided to drop to the frigid 90's. Yay for Fall weather! I've been leaving the front door and the slider on the other end of the porch both open so that 1) we have air flow and 2) Jaxin can run around and play outside since the porch is fenced and gated.

Today, while outside playing (which, by "playing" I mean taking my flip flops outside and chucking them over the fence into the yard below and ripping apart my hanging Donkey Tail plant I've been trying to get going....brat), Jaxin just started crying and throwing a fit. I tried to get him to come show me what was wrong, but he just decided, I guess, that his current state of pain was everyone's fault and refused to come near me. So, I tried to grab him and he took off running across the house and dove onto my bed where I FINALLY was able to get ahold of him. Since he was mashing his hands together, I was pretty sure I would find the injury there and braced myself for some hanging skin or something gruesome. I wasn't sure how he could have gotten such an injury, but he manages to find things invisible to the naked human eye and use them to cause severe bodily harm. Have I mentioned this kid is all boy?? So far he's been treated for burns after grabbing the wrong end of my flatiron and we made a fast drive to the ER after he caused a crime scene in my bathroom....literally, blood splashed and smeared everywhere. Turned out he found a shaving razor and sliced the whole tip of his finger off. I seriously don't even know where he found it 'cause he wasn't even in the bathroom when he did it. But my guess is the garbage 'cause the sneaky little turd was born a dumpster diver. (As a side note to this, today he started pulling aluminum cans out of the trash, and Rick asked if he was planning to recycle, to which he replied "Yea Yea" 'cause that's one of the only things he knows how to say AND because clearly he was also born with a deep seeded need to help the environment and was letting daddy know.)

Annnywho, so I start inspecting his hands and finally found the culprit; A stinger with bee guts hanging off of it was stuck in the tip of Jaxin's middle finger. Yay, another finger injury! I pulled it out and the waterworks stopped. Oh, and also, this is his first sting, so I don't know if he's allergic. Luckily, a few weeks ago during a follow up at the doctor (post the burned fingers incident), we were prescribed some baby Benadryl because I had noticed he seemed to have a reaction to grass when he played in it....and by "reaction" I mean his legs looked like they had been covered by slashes and welts. Poor kid. So, I gave him some of that just incase and made a little baking soda paste and put it on his finger ('cause I'm friggin Google and have been stung a million times...well, okay, like maybe 5 times....and I know it makes stings feel better) and of course he promptly wiped it right off all over Rick's shirt because, damn it, he's a MAN and he doesn't need no stinking pain relief!

So, I tell you this story so that I can show you my homemade bee trap I made today. I used to make these whenever I went camping because they work AWESOME and you don't need to waste money on those stupid store bought ones 'cause these work better and you can make them with shit you have around your house (most likely).

STEP 1 is to find you a 2 liter bottle.

STEP 2 is to cut the bottle in half...not exactly in half, but maybe somewhere between half and 2/3 of the way up.

STEP 3 is poke holes near the top on each side of the lower piece of the bottle (I used a nail to puncture holes, but a knife will also work) and run some kind of string or ribbon thru them. Tie the ribbon on each side. NOTE:You can skip this step if you just want to sit the trap out on a table or something instead of hanging it.

STEP 4 is to place the top part of the bottle upside down into the lower part of the bottle, so that it creates a funnel.

STEP 5a you need to tape around the seam to hold the two pieces of the bottle together securely. NORMALLY, I would use duct tape here, but when I asked Rick for some duct tape, he couldn't find it and brought me these giant band aids instead! Like this couldn't possibly get more ghetto.

STEP 5b but the band aids still worked. I suppose it's all fitting since I did perform some pretty major reconstructive surgery on this bottle.

STEP 6.... seduce those bastards and get them drunk! Bees are attracted to sweet shit and I have found thru experience that they are also raging alcoholics because these traps ALWAYS work best when I mix up a spritzer. Combine a little wine ('cause everyone has to have a little around their house somewhere)and some pop (use regular sugar pop and not diet if possibly because it's even more irresistible!!). If you don't have these things, juice works great, just pop, or even some other sweet alcohol like wine coolers (hahaha). Fill it up till there's a small gap between the liquid and the mouth of the bottle (the bottom of the funnel). Today, I used a little of a Cab I have on my counter for cooking, plus some sweeter white wine I had in my fridge and I topped it off with some Shasta Tiki Punch! These bees are gonna friggin love me! Well, that is, of course, until they die. And it won't even be my fault. (PS, damn, I need to clean on top of my fridge!)

Bees are stupid! They fly around and sniff out the sweet sweet smell of a good time and then they see this awesome beacon of fun calling to them out in the sun.....

...and then they are all "Dude! FREE BOOZE!!" and then they fly down the entrance to CLUB DEATH (the funnel you created) and dive in. Then they get wasted and it's getting dark and they start thinking about calling a cab home, but they can't seem to find their cell phone, 'cause it's so crowded in this pool (dude, is that drone dead??? Nahhhh ish my imaginashhhin). So they start thinking "Dude....ishh not thaaa farr to the hiive. I can TOOOOOOOOOTALLY make ishh wishhhout getting pulled over *hiccup*"

And that's when the bastard tries to take flight and realizes that this is a party that there is no going home from....and yes, that drone WAS in fact dead....and in fact, he's been drinking a cocktail full of his friends. Ewwwwwww what a way to die! TRAGIC! But at least you won't get stung!